Notes and disclaimers: Property of Mutant Enemy, et al. Thanks to tigs for beta and Mosca for kicking around.


Harmony found the cave on her third day after getting out of the Disneyland village with all the green people. Who were actually demons, she reminded herself. The cave smelled like woman and recent living and good. Yummy good. Not that Harmony was that hungry since she'd eaten that other cow guy she'd escaped with. But it was always nice to have company.

The first time she met Fred, Fred conked her on the head with a tree limb. Harmony said, "Ow, why'd you do that?" and Fred said, "Because this cave is mine."

"I totally respect that," Harmony said, rubbing her head.

Fred stepped back. "When did you get here?"

"Three weeks ago. When did you get here?"

"Longer than that. Or maybe shorter. Time is hard to measure, you know?" Fred grinned and Harmony decided right there not to eat her.

Instead she moved in. She told Fred how she was a vampire and showed how super strong she was. Fred thought that was kind of cool but she sat farther away. Harmony explained that many vampires took human lovers, even though the only one she knew of was Angel but he was big bad Angelus and if he did it, everyone wanted to. Harmony wanted a human lover bad. That would show everyone. Like Spike. Or stupid Cordelia who became a big huge TV star and never called Harmony anymore.

It was hard bonding with Fred, though. She'd pretty much been driven crazy by being in Pylea so it was harder to talk to her. She'd suddenly start giggling or screaming or talking about math or lack of existence. Harmony knew she existed and Fred was in front of her existing, so it shouldn't have been an issue of discussion. When she tried to tell that to Fred, she was pretty sure she didn't get through to her.

Fred showed her all the food stuff and other neat things she'd made. "How about make-up? I could really use some lipstick, you know?"

Fred nodded. "Lipstick. I don't think I wore that. Back there. What would be in lipstick? I guess not lips, of course." Then she giggled and snorted.

"I think it's wax. And things to make it colored? Also, mascara. I'd really like mascara."

Fred went to work on it and actually managed to make things that sort of resembled make-up. Harmony had Fred sit still and put some on her, making her even prettier. "I bet you were so totally hot in high school, huh?"

Fred blushed. "No, I wasn't. I never developed and I had huge glasses and I was never a cheerleader. I bet you were."

Harmony sniffed. "Head cheerleader. Briefly."

They didn't really bond the way Harmony wanted until the Pyleans saw them one day when they were looking for something to ferment. Fred said if they could ferment something, they could make booze. Then they could sit around and get drunk and Harmony could make her move so Fred would be her Buffy. When Harmony saw the Pyleans she vamped out and growled at them. They stopped for a second and then ran at her and Fred. Harmony pushed Fred behind a rock and beat the Pyleans to death. She even ripped off their heads and stomped on their entrails. It was really fun. She never really did that back in the world because it felt gross doing it to people. But monsters were different. Their blood tasted bad, though and Harmony was thinking hungry, hungry when Fred stepped out from behind the rock. She said, "Pretty girl saved me from the monsters."

Harmony thought "pretty" and felt herself unvamping. Whatever the term for that was. She smiled. "Yeah, I did. I totally did. I'm a hero now." Harmony put her bloody hands on her hips and grinned. "Where's my reward, huh?"

Fred blushed. "You want a kiss?"

"Yeah," Harmony said. "I really do. I've been wanting that for a while, you know."

Fred laughed. "Oh, I know. You were really obvious, too. But I was worried you wanted to eat me, too." She jumped up and kissed Harmony hard on the lips.

Harmony thought being with girls would be sort of lame unless it was Charlize Theron but it turned out she was totally wrong.

After that, everything was basically awesome. She and Fred found some root thing that would totally ferment and made gross tasting booze. They still drank some every other day. It took that long to make it, so moderation was the way to go.

One day they were singing I Will Survive because they both knew the words and Harmony saw some Pylean guy holding his ears and wincing. He totally would have sneaked up on them if not for the singing. Harmony went all scary bumpy and killed him. This time she didn't go ballistic and monstrous. Fred found it a little off-putting.

"Do you think it was because we're bad singers or just the singing?" Fred said, as she carried the legs back to the cave.

"Maybe the singing? Because we're not bad singers at all. We're great together, Brownie Bear." Harmony grinned. Fred laughed at the nickname and started babbling about science stuff again.

Fred was skin and bones which Harmony would so have loved to be in high school, only her boobs would have had to stay the same or it would have sucked. It was funny because it totally looked good on Fred. Harmony thought some of that was how warm Fred was and all that delicious blood under her skin. But she would never ever eat Fred because Fred was her human lover. Harmony didn't even bite her or nip or anything (even though she'd heard girls liked that) because she didn't want Fred to worry.

One morning Fred rolled over and plastered her warm body all over Harmony saying, "This would be better if we had weed. Don't you think?"

Harmony considered. "Totally. I never smoked much in high school but I really liked it. You should get right on that." Harmony petted Fred's hair and stood up. It was hunting time. Harmony had responsibilities to her human lover.

"You'll be back soon, right?" Fred sat with her knees together and all hunched over. She was so cute the way she worried.

"I will. Of course, I will." Harmony so would because at some point, Fred would remember she got along fine before Harmony wandered into her cave. No one was ever totally dependent on Harmony and that sucked. So she never did remind Fred about how great Fred had been doing pre-Harmony.

When Harmony got back with her meat for cooking and silly leaves and stuff Fred liked, Fred was writing things on the wall. Same old, same old. "Any luck on the pot, honey?"

Fred grunted and then babbled for a few minutes about math things. Harmony always tuned those out. "Sounds great, sweetie," Harmony said. She set up half the meat for cooking for Fred and gnawed on her part. Pyleans tasted gross. But Fred insisted that if you cooked them really well, it tasted just like chicken.

Fred said, "Eureka!" and ran over to Harmony. She babbled a bit and then grabbed Harmony's hand, dragging her over to the wall. "See, it all works out. If we find plants with, well, we'll have to look. But I think I've got it."

Fred read the formula to her and when she was done, there was a whooshing sound behind them and a pull. Instead of weed, Fred had finally made a portal.

Then they were standing on a stage. The same stage Harmony had been singing on when she got all sucked into Pylea. Harmony blinked and said, "It wasn't empty like this when I left. I wonder if it got shut down or something."

Fred said, "Huh. Are portals violation of some health code? I could see that -- they're very unhealthy."

Harmony heard the noise first and then Fred looked up as three people walked down the stairs where people came in. Well, people shaped people; the guy with the green skin was clearly a demon. A Pylean demon, Harmony thought. Duh. Maybe he rigged the portal thing. She was about to say so to Fred when the black guy said, "Told ya, Lorne."

The one-armed white guy with the nerd glasses said, "Angel had a vision." He raised his crossbow. "I don't suppose you remember me, Harmony, but I know you're a vampire."

"Wait," Fred shouted. "No shooting, no staking, no nothing. Stop right now." She took Harmony's hand. "Unless you're doing it to me, too." She smiled as One Arm lowered his crossbow.

Fred leaned over and whispered to Harmony, "Now we can get real weed, huh?"


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